love like water
by spinner
1
"I am not your whore!! Who in the fucking hell do you think you are!?"
The words that were spilling out of my master's mouth left no impression on the one at whom he was shouting such profanities. Kirnov-san had no idea what he was saying because Master was cursing in Japanese, and he was doing it from a safe distance across the hallway in his bedroom. From the tone and delivery, Kirnov knew my master was upset, but as to why, he was clearly puzzled. By exploding into his tirade out of the study where Kirnov and I were seated, Master was preventing the chance of any actual response. When he started breaking things in the bedroom, I decided I'd better go calm him down. I bowed to Mr. Kirnov, knowing he would show himself out.
I found Erast-san on his knees on the floor next to the bed, with his face buried in a pillow. He was trying to smother his own screams. I sat down behind him and tentatively stroked the bottom of one foot which was peeking out from under his crumpled form. Of course he was hurt. I wasn't blind to the curious exchanges between my master and Kirnov-san. The barbaric manner in which Kirnov had used my master to further their police assignment had gone beyond wounding Erast-san's enormous pride. Kirnov had actually wounded Danna's heart.
Master had long, slender hands and feet. His soles were very sensitive and ticklish. I was careful how I petted him, knowing he would fly at me in anger if I intruded uninvited too far into his pain. Luckily, my presence had the calming influence I had hoped for. His anger began to freeze over. I could almost feel the temperature in the room dropping. He dried his face before he turned around to me.
He was a complete mess regardless of his efforts. His eyes were red and puffy. His mouth was held tight in a strangled grimace as he struggled for control. He couldn't hope to hide his hurt from me. I gave him a moment more to compose himself, massaging his extended foot to make him relax. He sighed and closed his eyes. I don't know what those terrible criminals gave him to drink tonight, but I suspect it was one of those French concoctions that dulls the inhibitions and increases erratic behavior. I hoped he would not remember this in the morning.
"I d-do apologize for losing my temper," Erast-san said in a small, shaking voice. I let go his foot, and he slouched back against the side of the bed. The front door opened and closed, and quiet footsteps proceeded away towards the street. My master must have heard the sounds, but he pretended he had not. He had successfully turned himself to hard stone. I felt such pity because he was unable to let down his guard except in fits and starts.
I patted his nearest knee once or twice, and stood up. It was small work to retrieve a broom in order to collect the thousands of glittering shards that were shattered upon the floor. The bedroom swam in the scent of his favorite cologne. It was cloying, but strangely pleasant. While I was in the kitchen, I brewed his favorite jasmine tea, hoping it would comfort and calm him too. By the time the glass shards were cleared away, the tea was ready.
Back in the bedroom, Master was in a zazen position, striving to recapture a measure of peace, but he was unable to stop his emotions entirely. He surreptitiously dried his face when I appeared. In my very brief absence, he had remade the bed, straightened the pillows, and laid out pajamas to sleep in. I put the tray on the side table, and sat down beside him on the floor.
"Make you feel better," I promised, offering him a cup. He wrapped both hands around it and took careful sips while I attempted to wash his face with a warm cloth. "Criminals make you drink green poison?" I asked. He sighed and slouched more.
"Absinthe. I'm n-not myself. Don't scold," he pleaded. He sounded sleepy and miserable. Matters of the heart always depressed him. He was like a bird unable to fly when down and unable to land when up. I hummed in empathy and shook my head at him. More than anything, he was embarrassed that he had made a scene, more so that he had lashed out in front of Kirnov.
"Kirnov-san should not leave Danna alone with dangerous people. They could stick knives in you, take out kidneys, who knows what else."
"No, the M-morozovi were quite gentle," he whispered, avoiding my gaze. I washed his face thoroughly again and took away his empty cup. Gentle? His words frightened me. Darkness was seeping back into him. He was too willing to allow himself to be hurt, too willing to believe he wasn't worth the effort of true love or even genuine friendship. This case was no good for him—even pretending to be less than he was made him devalue himself, and make allowances if other people hurt him by word or by deed.
"To put your saiai in harm's way to catch a killer is madness," I scowled. Master blinked at me. His cold façade slipped down, and the hurt returned. "Kirnov-san can pretend to self and to you, but true feelings show on face, in eyes."
"Saiai?" Danna whispered fearfully.
"Kirnov-san watches you with lover's eyes."
My master blushed instantly and completely.
"You don't believe me?" I frowned when he laughed small and low.
"Maximillian Pavlovich d-does not….he's….he…… saiai?" Master whispered. It would never cease to amaze me how Danna could be so vain, and yet he could also be deeply insecure at the same time.
"He watches your body and face all the time. His energy changes around you. If you were not his focus, you would be able to see too. You bump into each other like big clouds. Could make gentle rain, or could make powerful storm. I am anxious to find out which!"
Master lowered his chin and shook his head.
"You m-must be wrong."
"Why?"
"Max told D-Dolgorukoi that I'm s-stiff, irritating and rigid."
"You are."
"I'm s-soft and useless."
"You are not useless, Danna," I soothed, caressing his bowed head.
"No, I am v-valuable as a temptation for catching killers," he whispered.
"Danna, don't be upset," I murmured.
"And M-Max is….he's so religious."
"Holy men don't fall in love?"
"Not with other men," Erast-san said. "It's against the law, you realize?"
"So I see."
"I can s-say nothing. He would find me disgusting and vile."
"You cannot change how Buddha made you."
"I can try."
"You will fail and hurt only yourself," I frowned again.
"I can do without," he tried to say, but his words caught in his throat.
"Foolish danna. Love like water—you cannot live without it. Bad to try."
"Love is like water?" he asked. I nodded but did not continue the thought. He was frustrated by my lack of explanation.
"Kirnov-san want you as much as you want him, maybe more. Be careful, or he will dominate you."
Master's blush increased.
"You're being vulgar," he frowned.
"Why is it vulgar to speak so?"
"Why is love like water?"
"Can't make tea without it," I shrugged, glancing away at the precious cup on the tray on the table. How many cups of tea had I served him, I wondered, and how much must he trust me to always drink what I bring him, but never wonder what went into that cup? I should have amended my words and explained that water and trust and love are all needed for a good cup of tea. The very thought made me smile, and I considered future poems that I might compose on those intertwined topics.
"Thank you, Confucius. That explains everything," Master said with a quiet snort of sad laughter.
"Your energy is unstable tonight," I warned, touching the middle of his stomach with the flat of my palm and closing my eyes as if concentrating. "Hmm. Very bad. Absint make you feel funny?" I asked, cocking one eye open at him.
"Absinthe," he corrected, stressing the ending. I rolled my eyes at him and his constant need to correct my pronunciations.
"Take off good clothes before you make them all wrinklies," I ordered, motioning for him to stand.
"I will ap-pologize t-tomorrow," Erast-san said, rubbing his eyes as he stood up unsteadily. I was undressing him even before he was standing, and I easily had him out of his clothes in less than a minute. It made me sad inside, knowing how many people had dressed and undressed him today. I liked to think of Danna as my personal property, my living plaything to adorn with beautiful and fashionable clothing, my own pet to groom and stroke. He was like a moving work of art. I wanted everyone to admire him, but from a polite distance. Although I accepted it would always be so, It bothered me to have to let other people touch him, especially the horrible Opraksina.
"Say sorry to who? Not to Kirnov-san."
"I shouldn't apologize?" he wondered, slipping obediently into his pajamas and waiting anxiously for my reply.
"No. Don't be idiot."
"Masa!" He gasped at my tone.
"After how he treat you? Make him say sorry first."
"Kuruu," he laughed uncomfortably, touching the tip of my nose.
"Not madman. Kirnov-san hurt you. Make him apologize."
"A gentleman would apologize first, even if the fault did not lie with him."
"No one said you must always be gentleman. No prize in the end for best gentleman."
Master stared shyly down at his hands in his lap. His shoulders were drooping. How very tired he was. I regretted my words as I watched his face. He would always be a gentleman, no matter the cost. Perhaps that was one of the things I loved best about my danna. I folded back his covers and he crawled slowly underneath. As he stretched out his long limbs, I leaned over him.
"You will be the valley, and Kirnov-san will be mountain," I teased carefully.
"What?" he blushed.
"Nothing to worry about. You make very pleasant valley."
"What exactly d-does that mean?" he scowled.
"No more talk tonight. You need sleep," I frowned in an exaggerated manner, hoping to making him smile. His eyes followed me, but he found no humor in my words.
"I'm only p-pretending to be submissive, you realize?" he yawned.
"Shut mouth. Go to sleep."
"Tyrant," he murmured, eyes closing.
"Tomorrow. No apologize," I added.
He gave one tired nod, and fell quiet. His fair features betrayed his internal unrest. I smoothed his hair off his face and leaned down to kiss his forehead once, and again, more gently than summer rain falls upon the open sea. When I raised back up, vulnerable blue eyes watched me from under wet lashes.
Not twenty-four hours later, Kirnov-san was sitting beside my sleeping master in the very same spot where I had spent the previous night. His unpleasant features were taut with misery and worry. His watchful eyes never left Danna's face. Every purple and blue bruise, every red mark, every last hurt on Erast-san's body, made Kirnov ache clear down into his soul.
As I watched them together, I composed the explanation I should have given to Danna last night—the many ways that love is like water. Too much love can drown us. Too little love can dry us. Too strong a love can flood us. Too weak a love can make us wither. But the perfect love carries us along peacefully if we lie inside it and relax. Perhaps I had said too much when I told Erast-san that one could not make tea without water or love. Had I revealed too much about my own feelings for him?
It occurred to me there was one very fundamental way that love and water are connected as I dried away the wetness in my eyes. I was waiting for tears to appear in Kirnov's eyes too, and wondered if he was strong enough to show them before me. I doubted he could cry at all, because he was so very guarded.
I lit sticks of incense in Buddha's shrine, and knelt down, whispering ancient Japanese prayers for Erast-san's safety and recovery. A bath and fresh clothes had improved his aura. I had tended the worst of his bruises with healing salve. I glanced up at the teacup which held Master's precious jade beads, and shook my head in wonder. How painful that must have been! They must be the cause of the tiny, round bruises on his manhood. Kirnov-san must have had no choice but to cut the strings that held the beads in order to undo the binding. Master was definitely going to feel that when he awakened!
Thankfully, the bluish tint in Danna's face slowly disappeared, and his breathing had evened out naturally. He gave a worried groan in his sleep, and the frightful sound sent shudders through the very-protective Kirnov-san.
"I'll kill him. I'll kill him. I swear it. I'll kill him," Maximillian was intoning under his breath. I wasn't sure if these foul words were directed at my master or at the monster who had harmed him. It was somehow amusing that Kirnov-san's vile mutterings were uttered in the same manner as my religious incantations, with just as much intensity. Was it wrong that I could appreciate bad humor even while so upset about Danna's condition?
The telephone in the study rang, but we both ignored it. Kirnov began to talk as if answering the caller, knowing somehow who the person must be.
"You keep him right where he is, Nicholevni. I'll be there in ten minutes."
"Do not worry. Danna will sleep long time. You go to station. I call when he open eyes," I said quietly to Kirnov-san. I moved tentatively around him, concerned he might turn on me in anger because there was no one else there at whom he could vent his temper. But he did not snap at me as I had expected.
"You're sure that will work?" Kirnov said, pointing to the shrine.
I adjusted the petals of the orchid I had added, and nodded to him, whispering my prayers again to reinforce his confidence. When I had told him he had to sacrifice something personal and dear to him, something he would gladly give up in exchange for Erast-san's recovery, Kirnov-san had added a shot glass of liquor from the flask in his coat. It was a strong, horrible, cherry-based alcohol that made my throat hurt when I tasted it.
Kirnov-san cast a nervous glance at me before gingerly running the back of one rough hand against my sleeping master's jaw. Why he should be so cautious, I was not sure. He had delivered Master to me, naked and wounded, and had lingered at the doorway and the edge of the bed as I washed and cleaned and dressed him. Why was Kirnov-san becoming shy at this late stage, except for fear that Danna would awaken and know he was there? If he was fearful of my master regaining consciousness, why strive to help him awaken?
The touch to Master's cheek produced a shiver in his body, and soft moan of pleasure rose from deep in his chest. Even asleep, Erast-san had sensed his saiai was beside him. Master unsurely opened his eyes. Kirnov-san caught his breath, and his eyes brimmed with liquid, but the tears did not spill down his coarse face. They dried away quickly and cleanly, without a trace left behind.
"Thank God. He's coming around finally. Masa, I'm going back to the station. Don't let him out of this bed," Kirnov ordered, his voice firm and loud and, in truth, shockingly strong. He was fleeing now? I would never understand!
"Kuruu," I murmured, attempting to scold him for his loud voice and to shoo him off the bed. Instead of paying attention to me, Kirnov leaned down next to Erast-san, and nuzzled his ear in the guise of whispering words to him. He lingered with their cheeks pressed together, and he missed the curious expression that flooded Master's face.
"Don't worry, peacock. Get some rest," Max ordered.
Peacock? Kujaku? I smiled to myself and smothered a laugh. Danna was a handsome peacock indeed. Oh! That was perfect! I must remember it! The next time he called me a runty hedgehog, I knew how I would reply!
Instead of soothing him, Kirnov-san's words agitated my master. He raised his arms to push the intruding voice away. Kirnov-san dodged the defensive gesture, and dotted a kiss above Erast-san's ear. Very quickly though, he fled the room, putting enough distance between them that there could be no response.
Master was awakening, pulling himself upright with a good deal of effort. He swayed where he sat, blinking his water-blue eyes at me in confusion. Had I been the one to kiss him and whisper in his ear? Or was he surprised to find himself yet on the earthly plane and not surrounded by a grouping of Heavenly cherubs? I held a cup of strong black tea to his lips and he swallowed, wincing.
A shadow from the doorway caught my eye as I was rubbing liniment on Master's bruised mouth and massaged his raw throat. Kirnov was on the threshold, gazing back at Erast-san. The tenderness in Maximillian Pavlovich's face did much to erase the unpleasant strictness of his features.
"That is an angry face," Kirnov-san said quietly to me as I took his coat.
I glanced back over my shoulder and saw that my master was walking back and forth between the study and the bedroom, and indeed, he was scowling furiously. He was searching for a particular volume of erotica that he had probably mislaid somewhere in the house. If I didn't watch him carefully, he would leave items in strange and interesting places. Master's fear was, however, that he might not have mislaid it at all, but it might have accidently been borrowed along with several innocent poetry books, by the Baroness Olefskiya. If true, this could cause a terrible scandal indeed, because the Baroness was half his age and newly engaged, and by all accounts, an unimpeachable, young lady of the highest character.
The Baroness had been in Master's study yesterday afternoon. Her father had come by to ask Fandorin-san's opinion on a piece of Japanese objet d'art that he planned to give his daughter and son-in-law as part of their wedding gifts, and while Master had been busy with Baron Olefski, the young miss was made content with reading the books that had been piled up on the table by the divan on which she had planted herself. The last place Master could remember having had his erotica was on that very divan, and now he was in an understandable panic, and furious with himself for being so careless.
"Mm, angry face indeed," I agreed with a nod, wondering what purpose Buddha had for sending Kirnov-san to visit Master today. They had resolved the difficult murder case weeks ago, and were between tasks while Prince Dolgorukoi was on holiday in France. Master should have been relaxing and recovering, but he had done nothing of the sort. That entire case had left him quiet and strangely unsettled.
"It's n-not here!" Fandorin-san called out in despair as he stopped in the middle of the hallway and threw his hands up in the air. "I've l-looked everywhere. C'est une catastrophe!" he exclaimed, heading back into the study and sitting down on the end of his desk. He pulled his hands back through his hair and it fell in rough locks this way and that. Kirnov-san was smiling as he stood in the doorway of the study and watched Master toy with the belt on his dressing gown.
"If you're not busy?" he said, giving Danna a questioning look.
"Hell, Max! I'm ruined! Nothing to worry about!"
"Good. Let's not worry then. I need to ask a favor."
"Does it involve cats?"
"No," Kirnov answered hesitantly.
"Good. Pray continue."
"Well, what if the matter had involved cats, by chance?" Max asked, totally distracted by the odd question.
"I would have told you no. What do you want, Maximillian Pavlovich?" Master asked crossly. "I'm in a panic. What do you want?"
"Japanese lessons."
"Oh, really?" Erast-san paused between thoughts and sat up straighter. His anger dissipated quickly. He was smiling again. Not that Kirnov noticed. Master's pajama shirt was half-undone, pale skin gleamed through, and Kirnov-san's eyes couldn't seem to rise above Master's partially-bared chest.
"Your bruises have all gone, I see," he murmured, his voice husky and his eyes warming with lust.
"A trifle. N-nothing s-serious," Master lied, glancing down at himself and tugging his dressing gown closed for a moment. I wasn't sure if Kirnov-san believed Danna or not. Was he using the suggestion of these lessons as a means to monitor Erast-san and make certain of his state of mind and his emotional well-being?
Master's next movements surprised me. He leaned slightly back against the desk edge, hands clutching the wood on either side, and lowered his head just a little to glance up at Max through long lashes. His dressing gown parted even further than before, and one long, thigh clad in silken pajamas peered out when he slid one foot forward. It was an undeniably inviting pose. I couldn't believe my eyes. Neither could Kirnov-san.
"Tell me what have you suddenly got against cats," Max asked.
"N-nothing!" Master exclaimed, his panic returning but tempered with humor this time. "It's j-just that a sweet, little, button-nosed Baroness may have inadvertently borrowed a particularly racy novel from this very room, and she may never be able to look at cats the same way again if she opens and deigns to read said volume of very qw-questionable literature that I was insane for purchasing, let alone for leaving lying around the house."
"I'm not sure I should ask…."
"Then don't," Master answered bluntly. "The very least I'll be accused of is immoral influence on an impressionable young woman."
"And the very worst?"
"Is bestiality still a crime?"
"Yes," Max nodded slowly.
"Promoting b-bestiality and witchcraft as well? I c-could be hanged!"
"You worry me, Erast Petrovich."
"Not h-half as much as you worry me," he nearly smiled in reply.
"Then it's a 'yes' on the language lessons?" Kirnov confirmed.
"Yes, if I'm not hanged before the end of the week for unspeakable depravities."
"Very good. Name your terms."
"Hanging, or twenty-five years to life, or exile to Siberia, I would imagine."
"That seems a stiff price for language lessons," Max frowned.
"No, no, I meant….nevermind. There is no charge. I am happy to teach you whatever you wish."
"Erast, I insist that you permit me to pay you somehow for your time and effort."
Master paused again, and a half smile rose up his face.
"No. Absolutely not! I s-shall have you at my mercy—that is price enough. I rather like that idea."
"Up until this moment, I would have firmly believed that being at your mercy might prove comfortable and cheery. But when you start mentioning erotica and witchcraft and cats and bestiality, I find I might have to reconsider that position."
Master leapt off the end of the desk and stalked over to Kirnov-san, very catlike indeed. Pausing on one foot, he eyed Kirnov from a very close distance, and smiled sweetly.
I anticipated peals of thunder and a deluge, a true downpour!, as they stood face to face with inches to spare.
"The first word I will teach you is 'danna'."
" 'Master'?"
"See? You are already learning! It will be very easy to t-teach you."
"Wait……I have to call you 'Master' if I let you teach me Japanese?"
"Yes," Erast-san insisted point blank, leaving no room for argument. " 'Danna' can mean both master and husband. If that is not to your liking, you may call me 'sensei', which means teacher, or 'onshi' which means great teacher for which one feels profound respect and gratitude."
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You have not yet proven yourself as my teacher, let alone my master," Kirnov protested half-heartedly. "This isn't going to involve rope, is it?" he added, mischief in his features.
"How curious that you should ask," Erast-san whispered, taking an infinitesimal step even closer to Kirnov, wearing a most devious smile.
The damn doorbell rang, destroying the poetry of the moment. Perhaps realizing what a flirt he was being, and glad for the escape, Danna raced me to the doorway, sliding sideways on the small area rug meant to catch footprints. I opened the portal and found the Baroness Olefskiya standing on the stoop. She was a wondrous and pretty little creature, and her eyes were sparkling with mischief and adoration.
"Mon Dieu," Erast-san whispered fearfully when he saw her. There he was in a state of utter disrepair, wearing his undone dressing gown and half-open silk pajamas, with his long bare feet sticking out like fish fins. But he need not have worried. The Baroness couldn't believe her good fortune, and neither could I, frankly. She stared Master up and down as if he were a present that she couldn't decide where to start unwrapping.
"Monsieur Fandorin, I wanted to thank you for lending me your poetry yesterday," the young miss said, pushing her way past me and quickly tipping a bundle of books into Master's grip. Kirnov's footsteps quietly emerged from the study, and he stood smiling in the hallway, watching Master and the Baroness with keen, jealous eyes.
"You're v-very welcome," Fandorin-san said. Having his hands full with the neatly bound books, which were tied in a bundle with a heavy, black ribbon, Master stood there looking everywhere but into the petite brunette's face. She bounced on her feet and giggled softly, interpreting his behavior as bashful and enticing.
"It was quite good. I read it all last night. I was awake until dawn. Quite, quite mesmerizing," she babbled.
"Mon Dieu." Danna paled as he stared down at the bindings on the books. "P-please forgive m-me."
"I copied some out by hand even, I liked it so much. I hope you don't mind."
Danna could only shake his head no. The Baroness gave another tiny giggle, and gazed worshipfully at him. Impulsively, she seized the open lapels of Master's dressing gown, pulled his face down to hers, and planted a juicy kiss directly on his full mouth. Releasing him almost as quickly, she fled out the door and down the stoop. Her heels clattered on the walkway before he had even opened his eyes. She was to the end of the street before he drew in his first shaking breath.
I took the books out of my speechless master's hands before he dropped them on his naked feet. Nestled in among the poetry was the very volume he had been seeking. Kirnov was echoing malicious laughter as he crept up behind us at the open front door.
"Clearly the Baroness was not at all disgusted by your inappropriate reading material," Max purred, wrapping his coat around his shoulders. "Shall I come by tomorrow, if you have not been hauled away for indecency?"
"I'm ruined," Master moaned.
"She won't tell anyone," I tried to console him.
"Are you kidding? That little minx is going to tell everyone," Kirnov laughed. He took Master by the shoulders and dotted kisses on both cheeks and one again on the right for good measure. "See you tomorrow, Erast Petrovich."
The language lessons were an admirable ploy on the part of Kirnov-san. I had wondered how he would manage to keep a connection with my master while Prince Dolgorukoi was away on holiday in France. With the Governor-General away, and no one assigning them difficult cases, there was no reason for Kirnov to see Fandorin-san at all. What was worse, my master had nothing with which to occupy his time. But the lessons proposed by Kirnov and accepted by my master would give both of them something to look forward to at least twice a week.
They had began twice a week, but had quickly advanced to three times, and grew to even more. Kirnov-san was playing his part very well. He was an apt pupil, but not so good that he didn't require extra attention. His willingness to learn had flattered Master's sense of being needed. Their rapport became more and more comfortable. It was less about competing over police cases and more about simply being friends.
Instead of a downpour and deluge and flood and disaster, a period of dryness arrived, but not without a promising bolt or two of lightning. It would have been impossible to miss how joyful Danna was after one of Kirnov-san's visits. But he was just as sour if Maximillian Pavlovich sent word that he be able to visit on a certain day because of police work from Baranov, who controlled Kirnov while Dolgorukoi was away. When Kirnov-san would appear for the next lesson, precious minutes would be wasted with Master displaying his jealousy that Kirnov had work and Master had nothing but horrible leisure on his hands.
Kirnov-san, by the same token, could also display his dark shadows and weaknesses as well. Master was waiting for Kirnov-san to be the first to act on his feelings, and it appeared to me that Maximillian Pavlovich had decided on the same approach. What rotten luck!
Day after day, I would leave them alone in the study with their language lessons, and evening after evening, Kirnov would emerge looking happy and frustrated at the same time. It wasn't hard to figure out that being close to Danna was both pleasure and pain for Kirnov-san. My master would be flirtatious up to a certain point and then inexplicably, an emotional barrier would slid into place and he would put Max back at a distance from himself. Kirnov-san was clearly puzzled by this, and thought Danna was being a capricious tease. It was not capriciousness, but Erast-san's self deprecating nature, and his mortal fear of letting down his guard.
I started making a point of leaving them alone in the house, surmising that I might be the reason that Kirnov-san and Erast-san had not attempted to make their feelings known to one another. Master was unspeakably furious with me for leaving him alone with Kirnov-san, as if consumed by the fear of having no impediments. It was going to take me forever to get them together!
Lo, it was a long wait! Weeks on end passed without rain, until finally, one late evening, I walked past the study and found it unexpectedly empty. Kirnov-san had not come to the house for a lesson, but to deliver the news that Zima-Volkov, the perverted criminal who had almost strangled Danna to death, had hanged himself in his cell at the jail. Unsure if this revelation would cause my master discomfort or upset, Kirnov had taken the precaution of bringing an inordinate number of bottles of alcohol with him, to cushion the shock of the news, I imagined. Not two hours before, I had left the two of them in the study with a pair of shot glasses, refusing even a sip of the terrible concoction that Kirnov-san so admired. But now they were gone!
Where had Danna and Kirnov-san vanished? Their glasses lay empty on the floor beside mats and cushions that were all askew. I had not heard the front door open and close. There were seven empty bottles on the floor. There was also one small gold and blue button on the cushions. I was suddenly afraid that Kirnov-san had tried to make Master drunk in order to lure him into bed. Was he insane?!
Muffled voices in the bedroom caught my keen ear. I held my breath and tiptoed past the closed door. Indeed, Kirnov-san and Master were in there. I could hear the smack of kisses and soft, whispered words, and a promising moan from my master. I wanted to leap for joy and shout out my congratulations. Instead, I leaned against the wall and called out softly.
"Valley?"
Master groaned, cleared his throat, and answered in Japanese.
"Not n-now, n-nosy hedgehog."
Laughing to myself, I retreated to my room to give them privacy.
It was not a single day of rain, but the veritable start of a vivid rainy season! For two people who had been horrified at the prospect of showing their bottled affection for one another, even more distraught about how much legal danger they were putting themselves in, they both jumped into the water rather eagerly! The language lessons were continuing, of course, but lasted longer and longer from day into evening, and moved from the study to the bedroom.
The changes in my master were remarkable, even wondrous. He would walk around singing, humming, occasionally dancing with no one, simply spinning around and stopping and walking on again. He became downright cheerful. It warmed my heart to see him so alive. He pecked me on the cheek on more than one morning when I crept in at dawn to awaken him. (Kirnov-san was always gone by morning, like the mythical creature of the night that he was.)
They even managed to weather an unexpected visit from the Countess Opraksina. What an amazing sense she has for knowing when someone is invading her territory! She arrived unannounced one day around noon, extremely upset over an argument with her husband, and seeking comfort from Erast-san. The only form of comfort she seemed to desire involved stripping my master out of his clothes and having him naked right there on the floor of the study!
Kirnov-san did not at all like having to endure her presence, and he liked even less having to allow her to sleep with my master, doubly so that her visit meant he could not have my master for his own. But Kirnov-san did not make himself scarce, as I feared he would. Instead, he came regularly for his language lessons and did his very best to make small talk with the equally-jealous Opraksina. How Master managed to keep them away from each other's throats, I will always wonder. Luckily Erast-san and another of the countess's Moscow acquaintances were able to negotiate a truce between she and her husband, and Opraksina agreed to return to St. Petersburg after a week of torment. I was only half as relieved as Kirnov-san was.
I knew there was a great change taking place in Danna when I told him one evening that I had a rendezvous planned with one of the ladies that I had had my eyes on, and he happily replied that he himself would cook dinner. Sudden fear filled my every pore like water from an icy lake.
It wasn't that I didn't have faith in Master's abilities to produce a meal. His usual manner of providing dinner, on the rare occasions when I could not cook for him, was to make meal reservations at a restaurant, or have food delivered. But he obviously intended to prepare the food himself, at home, in the kitchen. He understood the elements of cooking, but I usually made him stand in the doorway and keep his hands out of the pots. What concerned me was that he would somehow manage to hurt himself and burn down the house. I could tell him no, but he would never listen.
I left for dinner with Nanette, and did not return until well after eleven. Even throughout this much-anticipated evening, all I could think about was what manner of chaos awaited me when I returned home. Nanette had found the evening remarkably dull, because I was distracted and not proper company. I left her on her stoop with a polite peck goodnight, and raced home.
I could see at a distance that the structure was standing, and my spirits lifted. The only light in the house that was on was in the bedroom, and it was a dull lamp at that. Kirnov-san met me at the front door, pacing feverishly back and forth. He was clearly distraught. My heart was in my throat. What had happened in my absence? Could I not leave Danna alone and not fear for him?
Thankfully, Erast-san was not hurt. It was merely that Kirnov-san had made him react strangely during orgasm, and Maximillian Pavlovich was worried he had injured my master. Neither of them would explain what they had been doing. All questions were diverted with vibrant blushing. The next morning, when I saw the mess in the kitchen, dishes spilled on the floor, the tablecloth askew, chairs tipped over, the pools of candle wax dripped everywhere, the impression of two bodies in the disarray on the middle of the table, I didn't have to wonder any longer. I had only to steel my heart that the next time Danna and I would sit down to eat at the table, I could not permit myself to tease him to within an inch of his life.
In short, I was glad I had not been home to endure the spectacle or the noise!
Offering grateful prayers of deliverance to Buddha, I reassured Kirnov-san that Master was not injured, merely that he had managed to excite him in the correct manner. This of course could only leave me to wonder what they had been doing wrong before tonight.
"Touch certain spot, do certain thing, strange responses. Different each time," I had said. During extended massages in which I would touch Danna everywhere inside and out, I had managed to make him do many strange things. Singing was not the least of what he did if stimulated properly.
I would tell Erast-san these massages were necessary to balance his energy, to strengthen his ability to perform zazen, and such things were true to a degree. The concept of expelling evil spirits had started as a wicked joke on my part, until I realized my master had taken me seriously. Why give up then? There were times when I merely wanted him in my grasp and under my control, and it was charming and amusing to watch how easily he would give up that control to me. When I had told him he made a pleasant valley, it was not an empty compliment.
"There was a bit of touching involved," Kirnov-san had admitted. His eyes glittered hungrily, and he was not one to miss an opportunity to learn. "Which spots?" he asked me, his voice dropping and rising anxiously.
Master knew right away what Kirnov-san had in mind, and I feared he would flee from us. Maximillian's approach was persuasive though, and his kiss even more so. Master unfolded with a small amount of urging from both of us. Very little. Danna could be a most wanton whore if you caught him in the proper mood.
Was Kirnov-san under the impression this was the first time I had been with Danna in a sexual manner? Or was he sounding the depths of the bond between his saiai and me? Kirnov-san was a jealous and possessive man, and I decided it was perfectly acceptable to show how best to please Master, but it was not safe to reveal the truest feelings that I held for my danna. I had even kept Danna himself innocent of my deepest devotions, letting him believe it was a cultural and religious obligation that kept me tied to him. My own feelings kept me at his side beyond what would have been my sacred duty to someone who had saved my worthless life so many years ago. Because of my protective love for him, I would not let myself me drawn in by the jealousy that radiated off of Kirnov-san when he watched me touching Erast-san.
"Oh! Stop teasing! I'll d-die! I swear I will. Stop. Stop."
"Shut mouth," I whispered in Master's ear in Japanese. This prompted a groan and a laugh from him. He tilted his head back as Kirnov-san kissed his stomach and tried to part his knees.
"I'll kill you both this, you depraved creatures," Master panted softly to me, again in Japanese. If Kirnov-san had had any idea the conversation passing back and forth between us, he would not have looked so solicitous or concerned. He might have understood a syllable or two, but confusion covered him.
"Like this?" he whispered to Master in Russian, caressing down his stomach and abdomen, kissing along the way, massaging with his strong hands.
"Yes, oh, yes," Master whispered back.
"Yes, only inside," I told him. Master groaned, and threaded powerful fingers up behind my head, clutching my hair in a vicious grip. I gave him my attention, frowning.
"No, no, no. Masa, not inside. Oh, God. I'll die!"
"Shut mouth," I muttered at him sweetly. "You want very much."
"You enjoy seeing me like this, don't you?" Master growled at me, leveling our eyes nearly together. I grinned at him and reached downward, touching his knees, and pulling his legs slowly apart.
"You enjoy too, blue-eyed whore. Now shut up," I answered.
He bit his bottom lip to keep from laughing, and then groaned out loudly, bucking in my grip as Kirnov-san caressed his entrance with one fingertip. I handed the uncertain Mr. Kirnov a bottle of lubricant and let go of both of Danna's knees on order to help smooth the slick substance over both of them in the appropriate places. When I once again seized Master in my grip, not at all surprised he had not slithered away from us, Kirnov watched me, looked at his shining fingers, and shook his head.
"Are you sure about this?" Kirnov asked.
Master started making sounds that were somewhere between laughing and crying, partly from frustration and also probably in an effort to keep from bursting forth with screaming laughter that would have wounded Kirnov-san to the core. I motioned for Kirnov to trade places with me, and he dried the tears off Master's face with gentle, loving kisses.
"Are you all right?" Kirnov-san worried.
"Mm, da," Master purred in Russian, his voice rumbling.
I slicked my fingers, grabbed Master's hip most firmly with one hand, and pushed two fingers up inside of him. I would usually not be so rough with him, but I wanted him to stop play-acting for a minute and be only himself. He stiffened, pleasure and pain washed over his face, and he sank back against the bed. He gave his body completely to my touch as I relaxed his entrance and prepared him properly. I took his humor away, and replaced it with wanton moaning. I took his reluctance away, and replaced it with quivering lust. It was a sense of pride for me how quickly I could bring down his defensive barriers.
I convinced Kirnov to follow what I was doing, indeed we both were touching Master inside in tandem for several minutes. Max was drinking in Master's reactions thirstily. Knowing that Erast-san could not endure this kind of treatment much longer, I grasped his member and started to pump and stroke him, watching his face carefully for signs of pain or discomfort. Danna was shivering and whimpering with pleasure, splayed back on the covers. He was now beyond his usual self-conscious concern about how wildly he was behaving. I didn't know how much longer Master would be able to restrain himself and control his need for release. He was about to rip through the sheets with his long, curled fingers.
It did not take much convincing to make Max replace his fingers with his manhood. Master's reactions had made him very eager as well. Why this had not occurred to Kirnov before, I will not understand. Surely it must have occurred to him on some level, but he had not known how to put his desires into practice. What in the world had they been doing before?? Perhaps Kirnov-san had feared genuinely injuring Erast-san, and had not broached the topic.
My wicked master had obviously decided it was much better to pretend ignorance of such things than to show exactly how damned experienced he was with giving and receiving love. He might have been hoping that the delay between wanting and actually having would amplify their shared pleasure. There were things I could have told Kirnov-san about, nights in Paris that would have shocked the world-wise agent . But I refrained out of affection for my danna, no matter how wicked he was at times. It wasn't difficult to forgive him when he was cradled back in my arms this way, nuzzling kisses from me as Kirnov was making him see stars. It was time to open that one last door, and I began to murmur to him in Japanese again.
"What a beautiful whore you are, Danna. You are in trouble now. Saiai likes you this way. Oh, yes, how very beautiful. Just like that. Do you like it?"
"Yes, oh, yes, oh."
"He will want to do this to you every night and every day."
"Yes. Yes."
"Say thank you for showing him what to do."
"Oh. Thank you. Oh."
"Say it again. I like that sound."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," he panted.
"What a beautiful whore you make, and you enjoy it too, don't you?"
Erast-san dissolved into unintelligible groaning, because Kirnov was hitting the proper spot again, and with incredible strength. A remarkable thing happened. Master's eyes had been fixed on mine, and he was bucking in reply to each thrust, but then his eyes rolled back, and his mouth fell open on a soundless cry. He seized up as stiff as a board, then went entirely limp in my arms.
We had either killed him, or he had fallen unconscious. His racing heartbeat answered the question of which. It was only for a few seconds, but long enough that Kirnov had time to climax, catch his breath, and notice that his saiai was no longer moving and whispering to him or me either one.
"Jesus Christ, what did I do?" he panted. He nuzzled his way up Danna's chest, kissed his silent lips and patting him gently on the cheek. "Erastushka?"
Master drew in a deep breath and whispered drowsily, "Mon Dieu," in French several times. Kirnov-san's face broke into a boyish grin. Success!!
I was remembering this night we three had shared together when I sat anxiously beside Master's bed in the hospital. Kirnov-san's death had sunk in on me heavily, and I felt sadness for him, but more so for my master. Had we been so greedy that Buddha had felt it necessary to level us back down to earth? Was there a way we could have prevented this from happening? A penance we could have served? An offering that could have been made? This was a terrible punishment for wanting nothing more than harmony and pleasure and happiness between we three!
When he had been brought in, Master had been wide awake and drenched in Max's blood. He saw and felt and heard nothing. I had stayed by the head of his bed while the nurses removed his blood-drenched clothes. I had feared the worst and was glad to be disappointed. I talked to Master and kept hoping he would respond, but he did not. I understood he was in a deep state of shock.
The doctor arrived, examined him superficially for injuries, and had bound up his sprained right arm. For more than that, he could not be troubled. He had a catastrophe one floor below this to deal with. I had heard the nurses talking among themselves. Six starving children waited for news about their mother. She had died in childbirth, brought in to the hospital too late to save either herself or her infant. What were my master's troubles compared to the doctor's guilt over what now he must do with all those motherless children? I did not fault the doctor for hurrying back downstairs, and I was glad to be alone with Master once more.
Steady streams of police and gendarme arrived to check on Master, and from them I learned the details from the scene itself. Max and Erast-san had lain under the bullet-riddled pew at the Church of Saint Valentine for more than half an hour while the police examined the entire scene. Master had been in that horrible, cramped space for that long only because his wide eyes and his splattered condition and the amount of blood on the floor had led the police to believe both men were deceased. The scene beyond the bodies was examined first before moving inward.
With Kirnov-san, there was no question about his state of being. From behind, three different shots had penetrated his body, and one had severed a major artery. He had lost practically every drop of blood in his body, and had died in under ten minutes. He was officially declared deceased and was moved for transport to the police morgue, where he could undergo a more rigorous examination.
That was when the horror began. Master had wailed out loud and long when the police had removed Max's body from on top of him. Probably his scream had been caused by the absence of his saiai and not by any physical pain, because his state of shock was so complete that he was beyond corporeal agony. His cry had caused one of the police officers in the church to pass out, and even yet, the young man was pale and clammy. He hung to the far side of the room and could hardly look at Master in the bed.
Discovering Erast-san was indeed alive, the police urgently summoned an ambulance, and sent for me as well. I managed to arrive at the hospital before the ambulance had. When Erast-san was moved to a private room, the gendarme continued to come check on him. It occurred to me that I should alert Tiuri-san if no one else had. But Baranov assured me that he had already contacted Anisii Tulipov with the dreadful news. There was nothing more helpful I could do, so I sat by Master's bed, talking to him and praying to Buddha in turns.
Erast-san's condition did not change for more than a full day. Baranov and Tulipov visited, but Master did not respond to their voices. I did not know how long he might lie there in this dreadful state—somewhere between awake and asleep, trapped between the actual world and his own internal fantasies. It could be hours, or it could be years. No one was more surprised than I was when I opened my eyes from nearly non-stop prayers and found him staring back at me in recognition. I knelt beside his bed and brushed tears off my face. I wanted to touch him and hold him, I wanted to reassure him, but there were too many people milling about for such open displays to be tolerated. I settled for caressing his limp hair, wishing I could take him home and soak him in his own tub and scrub him entirely clean again.
"Time for zazen?" he whispered to me in a shaking voice, sounding confused and lost. His eyes searched mine, and I knew then that he was aware Kirnov-san had died. What was more, I feared he had watched his saiai leave to whatever lay beyond this life, and the terrible shock of it had caused him to withdraw inside himself again. I was lucky he had ventured out even a small bit this soon. Master needed me and my routines and rituals because they brought continuity and comfort. He needed me more than ever before. All the love I had for him in my heart burst forth and poured down my face in torrents.
"No, danna. We do zazen later. Rest now," I whispered to him. Like the obedient child he was, he closed his eyes and tried to do as I had bid. As I dried away the tears sliding down to his grayed temples, I wondered how long it would be before he came back around again. Did I have enough time to perform the dark deed that was burning up the edges of my soul?
Slipping out of the hospital, it was easy enough to dispatch Le Viper with a minimum of fuss and effort. If not for my master's insistence on the fair rules of engagement, of leaving the villain to justice and refusing to let me indulge my bloodlust, I would have done this weeks ago. Le Viper's secret lair was far less of a mystery than the abhorrent criminal might have believed. It would have saved us all a good deal of pain, and it would have spared Kirnov-san's life, if Master had allowed me to kill Le Viper soundlessly weeks before. However, I could not fault him—Master could not have known what terrible consequences would result from his mercy. I doubted he would again leave matters to the rules of fair engagement though. Words cannot express how sweet was the revenge I felt as I watched the light leave Le Viper's surprised eyes.
Slipping back into the hospital was even easier, because of the confusion and panic in the ward caused by the surprise, middle-of-the-night arrival of Prince Dolgorukoi. The Governor-General had anxiously taken my arm at once when he spotted me. I guided him to Master's private room. No one questioned who I was or why I had a reason to be there.
Finding my master's eyes were closed, the important gentleman assumed he was asleep. The whiskered general stood at Master's bedside for the longest time and talked to Erast-san as one talks to a sleeping infant or a senile invalid. His own valet, Vedishchev, was mortified by the manner in which the important gentleman was acting. It must have started to grate on Danna's nerves too. He slowly opened his eyes (he had not been asleep, I knew). He studied the prince as if to ask if the dear old gentleman had finally lost his mind.
Dolgorukoi patted Master on top of the head, very much as one treats a hurt child, and it dawned on me that was how the prince viewed my master—he was a doting parent with his favorite son. The Governor-General of all Moscow smiled down at Erast-san and patted his head again.
"I was so worried for you, dear boy."
How sad the prince sounded! Emotion rippled through his voice and his smile faded slowly away. My master's face showed gratitude and affection as well, although he did not speak. I wondered if Master's relationship with his father had been a good one founded on love and affection too. Erast-san never spoke of Lieutenant Fandorin in negative terms, and any time he did speak of him, he referred to his father as his 'dear papa'. This bolstered my hopes that their connection had been a happy one, and the only sadness the father had ever caused was of dying too soon and too suddenly.
How had the news of Master's terrible misfortunes been delivered to Dolgorukoi ? "Two of your agents were wounded in the Church of Saint Valentine, and one of them has died". The news must have been sudden and shocking for him too. Dolgorukoi must have guessed which two agents were involved but he could not have known at first which had survived the attack. He had genuinely liked Kirnov-san, but there was no question that my danna was his favorite. Finding Erast Petrovich alive must have brought him great happiness and relief, but also heart-felt sorrow as well for Maximillian Pavlovich.
Frol, the Governor-General's valet, chimed in his opinion on the matter. He took the part of the voice of reason and doom, insisting that someone ought to tell my master that Kirnov-san was dead. He must have believed that because of his state of confusion and lack of movement and response that Master must not have any idea.
Dolgorukoi shook his head no, stiffly refusing to utter anything of the sort, and he glared angrily at Frol for the mere suggestion. For once we two were in agreement. The valet retreated further away into the room because I too began to mutter at him in Japanese, threatening not only his body but his mortal soul if he dared to breathe one word to my master that would upset him. Not while he was in this fragile state!
"You get some rest. I've got everything under control," Dolgorukoi smiled gently down at Erast-san. The prince's resonant voice was very soothing, and his manner was again that of a parent with a beloved little one. Master drifted away again, his eyes sliding shut as exhaustion covered his features. He was not asleep, but he had gone back to whatever part of his thoughts shielded him, allowing him to hide away from us for a brief time so he could heal himself mentally and emotionally.
There were tears in the prince's eyes when he straightened away from my master's bedside. Reaching into his vest pocket, Dolgorukoi retrieved a silken handkerchief and a dark blue rosary. He kissed the beads, then dabbed his eyes and his brow.
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© 2008 to spinner
